Check Please! : The Adult Birthday Party Debacle

I love a great birthday party! What could be better than getting your closest friends and family together to celebrate your arrival into this world? I dare say I can think of nothing that would bring me more joy. If you’re short on time or just want to amplify the connection and fellowship without being responsible for the dishes or clean-up (AMEN!) you may have had the idea to host your celebration at a restaurant.

While it seems like such an easy way to host your birthday celebration, it still comes with its special set of potential hiccups and huge headaches. And that, my friend is the inevitable confusion around the bill.

Yes. I said it, INEVITABLE. No matter how close a relationship you have with the folks you invite, someone, (or a few someones) will be left feeling funny about their money and like they are paying for more than their fair share. This is especially true when you’re bringing together different friend groups that are only connected by you, the linchpin. And to be clear, I’m speaking specifically to the experience of inviting a bunch of your friends and family out to a restaurant—not a private event.

If your party is small enough having, separate checks are an option that certainly takes care of any awkward conversations around money, but when there are 20 people dining things become a bit more complicated. Ok, story time!

Let’s say you invite a large group out to dinner to celebrate your Born Day. Likely there will be few guests who arrive early (in your group you know who they are) and it’s safe to assume they arrived early because they have to leave early (they are #bookedandbusy!) so they may ask the server for a separate check so they can exit seamlessly. It’s unlikely that the server will advise against this so by the end of dinner, the check can only be split a few more times. But the group will be blissfully unaware. Everyone orders, they eat, they drink—all are merry and then those folks with separate checks start to trickle out and that prompts someone at the table to ask for their own check.

Apologetically the server will let that person know they they can only split the check however many more times and a few folks will overhear and that one emotive friend will show a combination of fear and panic on their face because they’ve suddenly realize how much everyone has eaten and drank while celebrating you. When the server returns with the bill, there’s that uncomfortable dash to the person that the check was handed to and there a huddle of people forms—all pointing, and repeating precisely what they got and how much it costs. In the chaos many of those people forget that with having a large party, most restaurants automatically add the gratuity to the total and of course taxes. Some folks will throw down cash for the items they have, leaving a deficit because hey didn’t account for gratuity and taxes and then there will be a few folks left paying nearly triple their meal to cover others.

ICK.

Now, I’ve attended quite a few birthday parties at restaurants with larger groups and no matter how many times I’ve prepared myself for the mayhem, each time is frustrating and totally kills the mood. For me, I typically plan multiple smaller celebrations with my friends because my love language is truly quality time and I feel like I can be fully engaged with everyone, but I digress. Anyhoo, let’s say hosting your birthday party at a restaurant is your only option but, the private party route is a bit too much coin. Here’s how I might approach making sure my guests (and myself) are not left feeling like we’re being held by the ankles at the end of the night and keep all the friendships in tack.

In the conception of the idea to host a birthday party at a restaurant, I recommend when sharing the invitation to the celebration that the organizer/host be clear about the parameters in which they’d like everyone to stay within and what they can expect in terms of paying for dinner. Yes, it’s a hard topic to include because we’re conditioned not to talk about money, but doing so before the actual dinner, (I think) is less uncomfortable than waiting for the check to arrive.

Share how the bill be split : Now I hear you—you’re thinking, what if someone only gets an appetizer and no drink(s)? My response would be if you share how the the bill will be split, for example—if you split it evenly across all attendees, guest have an opportunity to decide BEFORE they arrive, if they want to participate and join the group with the parameters that are being set or opt for a more intimate celebration with the birthday person another time. And embedded within this suggestion is that folks agree not to request a separate check while seated with the group.

IF it’s decided that the bill is to be split evenly amongst all guests, also set a drink maximum: Alcohol is usually what adds up quickly and what we least notice we’re consuming more of. Setting a 1-2 drink maximum ensures that your friend who can throw back isn’t stacking the bill for non-drinkers.

Designate one person to pay the bill and have all guests Cash App, PayPal, Venmo, etc. that person the cost of their food AND the gratuity: I suggest the designated payer be the birthday person. Why?—Well, what kind of friends would stiff the person they’re celebrating? (*Looks out into crowd*) Seriously, most folks love to show love by paying for the meal of the birthday person so, by asking them to send their meal cost to the one they’re celebrating, there’s a chance they’ll send a little extra. and thus chip away at the gratuity and taxes on the final check.

If a single payer doesn’t work, have 2-3 designated payers: much like the scenario above, except instead of one person, there are several who will make sure the bill is paid for for those sitting within their section. It means the bill would be split to match the number of payers and each guest would the just send funds to their designated payer. *Be sure to tell your server this BEFORE you start ordering—no need to complicate things at the end*

Now, if you’re unsure about how exactly to bring this conversation up in the invitation, check out some language below that you may consider reworking to make your own.

Hello Beautiful People!

I’m so excited to be celebrating my ## birthday with you on DATE! My shindig is being hosted at RESTAURANT NAME located at ADDRESS. I’m so blessed to have such a large group of folks who love me and want to celebrate and one thing I want to ensure is that everyone who comes out to celebrate my Born Day, enjoys themselves.

We’ll be a large joyous group of ## and as you all know, larger groups typically have the gratuity added automatically. To avoid an awkward buzz killer at the end of the night with chaotic tallying of who had what, my ask is that those who choose to attend be willing to split the bill evenly across all guests. To respect those of us who do not drink, there will be a two drink maximum that you can add to the larger group bill. A tab for any drinks over that maximum will need to be on a separate tab at the bar that you start on your own and be solely responsible for. ENTER NAME has graciously agreed to be the single payer for our lovely soiree. (Huge mega THANK YOU!) As for what this would look like: once the final bill arrives, ENTER NAME FROM ABOVE will divide the bill total by the number of attendees and each person will CashApp/Venmo/PayPal ENTER NAME FROM ABOVE their equal portion (which will include the tax and gratuity) .

I recognize this is a different kind of ask, but again, I want to ensure we all have a great time and that the end of our dinner is muddled by bill logistics. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with and you choose not to attend, I totally understand and I’m open to finding another time to celebrate my birthday with you.

With all my love,

YOUR NAME